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Poppacrit's Den

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Poppacrit is waiting for brave writers to submit themselves to his red pen. Do you have the courage to be first?
   

Here are Poppacrit’s guidelines:

 

Send Poppacrit the first page of your story or novel. It must be less than 501 words. Label it clearly with a title, your name or a nom-de-plume, and the genre. It should be an exceptional beginning, hooking Poppacrit into wanting to read more. By sending your work to poppacrit@gmail.com, you are giving permission for it to be published, and publicly critiqued, in the Muse Marquee. Use the subject line ‘Please Crit Me’ -- otherwise the spam filter will reject you quicker than a slash of Poppacrit’s pen.

 

Poppacrit is not a god. He does not represent any earthly agent or publisher. Poppacrit is merely a critter with very definite ideas. If you’re brave enough to send your work to him for an opinion, that’s what you’ll get: his honest reactions to your 500 word hook.

 

See Poppa’s announcement on the Contests page.

Poppacrit

 

A POPPACRIT CRIT SUBMISSION:

The Paradise War 

by NagasakA Kiyoshi

M.E. 83

Lunar Heavy Cruiser L.S.S.  Karne 

      The acrid smell of burning metal hung in the air; Private First Class Makabe Connor knew he had arrived at the right place.  Judging from the shower of sparks emanating from the sealed hatch, the invading Colonial troops were using a thermal lance for a quick entrance.  Clad in full marine combat gear, he quickly made his way to the door, armed two explosive charges and planted them.

      Three more Marines kept Makabe covered as he retreated to their position.  Thumb on the detonator switch, the Asian soldier waited until the invaders were nearly done cutting through the hatch.

      “Fire in the hole, now, now, now,” Connor warned as he blew the charges.

      All other sounds were muted by the explosion which flung the weakened hatch into the invaders.  A fireball roiled into the cruiser, dying out as it reached the three waiting Privates.  They leaned out from their covered and quickly surveyed the damage.

      “Move up,” Makabe ordered, and immediately two marines crept forward, keeping their M-8 assault rifles trained on the opening.

      They could hear the faint sounds of battle echo through the ship as more invading forces attempted to gain a foothold.  The two advancing Marines opened fire with quick bursts, killing those who had managed to survive Connor’s explosive tactic.

      “Looks like two four-man teams Private,” one of them called back.  “The thermal lance’s tank must have exploded and taken most of them out after you blew the door.”

      “Right,” he replied before activating his com unit.  “PFC Makabe reporting, breach at hull point Epsilon suppressed.  Requesting a patch team to seal the breach.”

      “Roger that Mak, dispatching a team now.  Move to point Psi.

      “Copy, we’re on our way.” Connor looked at his team.  “Hull point Psi.”

      They moved out wordlessly, leaving the hull breach at Epsilon for the patch team to deal with.  The sounds of gunfire increased in volume as they approached point Psi, it seemed to be the Colonial’s main insertion point.

      “What’s the sit-rep?” Mak asked loudly, trying to be heard over the din.

      “Shock troops are rapidly advancing towards the Engine Room and the rest of the division is trying to head them off.  Point Psi is being overrun, too many assault shuttles made it through the point-defence screen,” another Private yelled back.

      “Calm down!” Connor shouted.  “Who’s in charge here?”

      The Private looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown.  “Captain’s wounded, Lieutenant is dead, all senior NCOs are defending the Engine Room.”

      The Asian swore.  “We need fan out of this bottleneck and stop them from spreading past Psi.  iyoshi see if you can’t stall their advance from there.”

 (451 words)

 

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Poppacrit’s crit of “The Paradise War”

 

 

“The Paradise War” starts with a bang. The action is quick, constant and hard. However, it is also confusing. Popppacrit needs to know more about PFC Makabe Connor and his mission before being thrown into the action. Kiyoshi needs to set the scene better. Poppacrit is given no real sense of place or character before being thrown into the firing line (pun intended).

 

If this is Chapter One, Kiyoshi needs to write a prologue.

 

Specific comments and suggestions are noted below:

 

M.E. 83  (Why begin with something meaningless to the reader?)*

armed two explosive charges[,] and planted them.

the Asian soldier waited until the invaders were nearly done cutting through the hatch.  (Poppacrit’s first thought was that the name “Makabe” was African. So Poppacrit’s glad you clarified “Asian”, but the race notation seems inappropriate at that point. Also, you should be aware that most Marines dislike being called soldiers. The passive phrase “were nearly done” could be replaced by the one word “almost”. Poppacrit suggests rewriting as: the PFC waited until the invaders almost cut through the hatch.)

All other sounds were muted by the explosion which flung the weakened hatch into the invaders. (“All” seems superfluous. The word “that” is preferable to “which” in that context. “Which” is generally used when there is a choice or comparison involved. You are not comparing explosions, so Poppacrit suggests an active rephrase: The explosion that flung the weakened hatch into the invaders muted all other sounds.)

A fireball roiled into the cruiser, dying out as it reached the three waiting Privates. (Weren’t there four? You mentioned Makabe retreated to the position of “three more Marines”. 3 + 1 = 4)

They leaned out from their [cover] and quickly surveyed the damage.

 “Move up,” Makabe ordered, and immediately two marines crept forward, (It seems odd to Poppacrit that a PFC is giving orders to other Privates.)

They moved out [silently], leaving the hull breach at Epsilon for the patch team to [fix].

The sounds of gunfire increased in volume as they approached point Psi, it seemed to be the Colonial’s main insertion point. (Poppacrit suggests: Gunfire increased in volume as they approached point Psi, which seemed to be the Colonial’s main insertion point.)     

“What’s the sit-rep?” Mak asked loudly, trying to be heard over the din. (Tautology—using both “loudly” and “to be heard over the din.” Poppacrit suggests:  “What’s the sit-rep?” Mak yelled over the din.)

another Private yelled back.  (To avoid repeating “yelled” here you could rephrase as: another Private called back. Also, it is unclear to Poppacrit whether this Private is part of Mak’s team or represents another team in place at Point Psi.)

“Calm down!” Connor shouted.  (Interchanging “Connor”, “Mak”, and “Makabe” has been confusing to Poppacrit since the beginning. It reads like you can’t decide what to call this character.)

Take your team and loop around to point Chi,  (That clarifies he was speaking to another team, but the distinction should be made earlier.)

******************************

Not a beginning that convinced Poppacrit to read more about “The Paradise War”. Kiyoshi shows imagination, and a determination to delve into space wars, but it’s largely superficial. Kiyoshi must engage the reader on a deeper level, if interest is to be hooked and maintained. Think about a prologue, Kiyoshi!

 

******************************

 

*Poppacrit’s crit style:

 

Detailed comments and suggestions are written within parentheses ( ).

Brief additions or corrections are written within square brackets [ ].

 

 

 

Until next month. The HOOK CONTEST is still open—only two submissions were received in August, you cowards.

 

Poppacrit

September 2009